Words to Live By

DANCE like there is nobody watching.
LOVE like you'll never get hurt.
SING like there's nobody listening.
LIVE like its's heaven on earth.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Giving ME a Chance

It was a beautiful spring day and I was out and about running errands this morning. I was feeling pretty good and in a very happy mood. As I normally do when the weather is nice, I was driving with the sun roof open and the windows down. I had the music blasting and was happily dancing along as I drove. (I often think that I must be getting some interesting looks from the other cars on the road, but I don’t really care since I’m having a good time!) As I was driving along I was thinking about a few of the guys that I have actually been interested in over the past year and a half. These are not the guys that are typical of the stories that I have been writing about in the blog so far. These are the ones that I have really been interested in. I was wondering to myself if they have really seen this side of me, the happy girl, the one who is sometimes carefree, fun and at times silly. There have been many times in my life where I have felt that I was misjudged or that people have not given me the chance to know the real me. At times I have been shy and people have taken that as me being unfriendly. At other times because I was quiet, people have treated me as though I was stupid. Once again, I am left with the feeling that these few guys have judged me based on certain interactions, but have not been open enough to give me the chance to get to know the real me. One knew me from awhile back and certain life experiences have created the person I am today. For instance, I am a stronger person today than I was at 20 years old. Another had interacted with me primarily on a professional level and has seen mostly my serious side, and has possibly missed the carefree, fun part of my personality. And still another seemed to have gotten this impression of me as not feminine enough. He should get a peek into my closets full of dresses, skirts, shoes and bags!!
Someday, someone will take the time to get to know me…………………..

Saturday, May 8, 2010

The Stalking Orderly

2008 had not been the best year for me. I had a 10 year relationship end rather badly. Then when I tried to re-enter the dating world, I ended up being dumped on Christmas via facebook. So I went into 2009 saying that this year was going to be better. The first few weeks into January would show me that was not to be the case. I was woken up early one morning by a voice mail message from my ex-fiancĂ©. The message said that the ride had been good. He did not sound good at all and had taken to calling several times a night. Kryn had been abusing alcohol for the last 3 years of our relationship. After I left it had seemed that he was trying to get sober, but in January it appeared as though he was relapsing. That night I had rushed to the house and found that he was incoherent and may have taken a number of pills, so I called for an ambulance. This was what brought me to the hospital and my first meeting with Mike, the orderly. Due to the hospitals concerns that Kryn may have attempted to overdose and commit suicide the hospital had him on a one to one watch. Mike was one of the people assigned to the room. By the time Mike came on shift I had already been at the hospital for 8 hours or so. I had not been to sleep the night before, I had not eaten and I was cold. To make matters worse, Kryn had fallen back in December while plowing and had bruised his leg. The hospital now had reason to believe that he may have had a blood clot. So they were running tests to determine if there was a clot, they were monitoring his breathing due to the medications he had taken and they were concerned he would try to leave. So there I was…worried, tired, upset and cold. When Mike came into the room, all I was trying to do was to rest, in a very uncomfortable chair, and trying to keep warm under my coat. Mike just kept talking to me. He talked about his phone, about the computer, about Kryn and I don’t know what else. Eventually someone else came in and changed shifts with him. I thought that would be the end of Mike.
About a month later I would be back in the emergency room, this time with my mother. My mom would be in and out of the hospital 4 times over the next few months. During one of those trips to the emergency room I once again ran into Mike. He started talking to me and asking me how I was. He then asked me about Kryn, which was a very awkward moment as I had to explain that a week after Kryn had been in the hospital he passed away. So he then asked me why I was at the hospital. I explained that I was there for my mother. We talked for a few more minutes and he asked if I would like to get together sometime. I wanted to get back to my mother and figured it would be harmless to say yes, so we exchanged phone numbers. I did not think that I would be hearing from him as early as that evening. When I got home that night, he was already texting me, asking how I was doing and how my mom was. At first I thought that was nice and responded back. Then he texted me the next day and asked me if I was free and wanted to get together. I responded back and explained that my mom was still in the hospital and very sick, so I was not available. At that time my days consisted of going to work, running home and feeding the dog, then going to the hospital, coming home and updating family, eating dinner and going to sleep. I did not really have time for an extra person to speak with. But everyday he would text me and ask, “Are you free tonight?” I tried explaining I was too busy with going to the hospital and trying to keep my family informed, but everyday he would text me. And even when I said I could not talk right now, he would continue to text. No matter how many ways I tried to explain that this was not a good time he continued this everyday for two weeks. Finally one day my friend took the phone from me and responded back to him. She outright told him to go away and the texting stopped.
Several months later I was looking at a friend’s pictures and I saw Mike in one of them. I pointed him out and told her, “Do you remember the orderly I told you about, who would not stop texting me?” She said she did and I told her that was him in her picture. It turned out she knew him and she told me that he was married and had children!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

FaceBook Break-Up

One of the online sites that I was using was sending me a lot of matches from Connecticut. I was getting so many matches that I had begun to joke that the universe was trying to tell me that I should move to Connecticut. I usually closed out all of these matches with the reason that the distance between us was too far. In November 2008 I was sent a match from Norwalk, Connecticut. Something about this one made me decide to keep this one open. That would turn out to be a mistake.
So in November we started going back and forth with the questions and answers and by Thanksgiving we were into open communication and exchanging phone numbers. When we started speaking on the phone, the conversations came naturally and lasted for hours. Sometimes it seems that these conversations become these tedious interviews, where the two parties are trying to come up with questions to learn more about each other. Our conversations just flowed. They were about our lives, what was happening in the present, what we had been through in the past and even what the future could bring.
In the beginning of December we decided to take the next step and meet. One Saturday afternoon he took the ferry over and I met him in Port Jefferson. Everything seemed to go well that first date. It was not too cold that day, so we walked around town for awhile before we found a place for dinner. I was even brave and trusting, trying Sushi for the first time, and letting him order the food. I still have no idea what I ate that day, although it was good. After dinner we went for coffee and then back home to talk for a few more hours before he took the ferry back to Connecticut. Before he left we made plans to see each other the following weekend. This time I would go to Connecticut.
The following weekend, off I went to Connecticut. Again the weekend seemed to go well…dinner, the bookstore, a night watching television, breakfast, and a walk along the beach. And then the next weekend he came back to Long Island.
During the week and in between our visits, we would talk almost every day. In some of our conversations we had discussed the fact that we lived in separate states and were separated by water. We had talked about the idea that if things went well then there was the options for both of us to be able to adjust our schedules enough to come see the other one during the week. I said I could work my schedule and commute from the ferry a day or two during a week here or there if we wanted. And he worked for a company doing computer graphics and at times could really work from anywhere. Then he asked me a hypothetical question one day. What if our relationship got really serious, would I move to Connecticut? I said that honestly, if we got that serious, it would make more sense for me to move because he made more money, and yes I would.
Well, then came Christmas and it fell on a weekend. We had only been dating a few weeks, so there was no expectation to be together for the holidays. Christmas Day I am at one of my relative’s and in the evening I get a message from him on facebook. It says that he does not think that this is working and he realizes that he needs a girlfriend that he can call and see anytime he wants. Here I am, trying to celebrate with my family, and now I am looking at this message on my phone that is telling me I have just been dumped. I excuse myself, go outside and try to call him. No answer. So I leave a message to call me back. Then I call my friend, because now I am upset, and I am still with family and have a 45 minute drive home. My friend calms me down and tries to cheer me up by offering to go and take out his knee caps. When I get home, he has not called me back, so I respond back on the computer. I try to remind him of our conversations about seeing each other during the week. I said something about the fact that you don’t always find love 15 minutes away from you. Well the next day I get a message back from him, again on facebook. He tells me that he was only trying to give me a “heads up” with that message the night before. He writes that he had planned to speak to me the next day, but now since I have been confrontational he is not talking to me and then he blocked me on facebook. Confrontational? I responded to him on facebook because that was how he sent me the message and he did not answer the phone. And a “heads up?” Really? What was up with that? Was it so necessary to destroy my Christmas? He could not have just waited till the next day.
You know what I have to say to this – COWARD!!
Oh, and just in case you are wondering, as tempting as it might have been, I did not have my friend go and take out his knee caps.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Using Dating Sites Just for Amusement

So after that first date it did not seem like the dating sites were doing such a good job at finding my “perfect match.” You watch the commercials and they talk all about how they are matching you based on compatibility and that they have these scientific methods. The commercials show you these perfect couples that “fell in love” and just knew that they were meant to be. By the time I went on that first date I had already been sent numerous matches that went nowhere. So after the date I was even more convinced that the sites did not know what they were doing when it came to matching me with someone. It started to seem as though the dating sites were only going to be good for a laugh.
When you register with the sites you can choose to be notified by e-mail when you have new matches, when someone tries to communicate with you etc. So in the beginning my e-mail account was bombarded with notifications of new matches. It started to become a joke and I would even post on my facebook status. Up to 100 matches today…can we make it to 150 today, etc. Reading profiles became a source of amusement. Now I am not saying that I am in any way perfect. I am sure that I make grammatical errors, spelling errors and typos. But I would read profiles where guys were spelling their own towns wrong, their occupations, even their names. Now I can understand that not everyone is the greatest at typing. But here this is your first impression. Don’t you think you would go back and proof read? Don't you think you would catch that you spelt your occupation wrong and want to go back and fix that? And the pictures that some guys choose are unbelievable. I have seen guys in their undershirts, no shirts, surrounded by their friends in a bar, or better yet a bunch of girls. Let’s see, what impressions do I get from any of those? I’m a slob, I don’t care about my appearance, I love to party and I’m going to flirt and cheat on you. Yes, any of those sound like the guy I want to choose to spend the rest of my life with.

First Look Into the Computer Dating World

When I first left my fiancĂ© I had gone to stay with a long time friend who lived five hours away from me in upstate New York, just off the Vermont border. I was not familiar with the area and so anytime I wanted to go anywhere he would have to give me directions. There were many places that cell phone reception was not very good and in some cases non-existent. Often his directions would include the statement, “Now don’t go this way. If you do, you will be in “Deliverance” country and I won’t be able to help you.” While I was staying there I also started investigating internet dating sites. They all seem to make you these offers that you can sign up and see your matches for free. Of course you cannot do much more than that. You cannot contact them or see very much about them. But the first site I started with I put in all my information and they started sending me matches. I did not pay because I was not sure at that point that I wanted to continue or was even really ready to be dating. This experience was my first turn off to the internet dating world. Most of the matches that were sent to me reminded me of what I might find if I had taken those wrong turns and landed in “Deliverance Country!” Just their pictures were scary. Needless to say, I did not pay to join that site. I could not imagine meeting any of those men if just their pictures on my computer screen were giving me nightmares. I have always been one for following my gut instinct when it comes to my own safety and let me tell you, if my first instinct from your picture says serial killer, well you are not the match for me.


I would say that I probably seriously started with the Internet dating sites in September of 2008 and at that time I joined three of them. In November I went on my first actual meeting. The site that I have used the most first sends you the “matches” that they think you are most compatible with. There is a description, usually age, eye color, hair color, height, race, religion, occupation, town, and some basic interests. Often there is a picture. If you or the other person is interested then you have the choice to send a series of questions back and forth until you get to open communication, which is basically e-mail through their site. At this point you can choose to provide your own personal e-mail, phone number etc.
So at this point Mark and I had gone through all of these stages, had communicated through our own e-mail and had begun talking on the phone. On the phone he seemed benign enough. He worked for a magazine; he did repairs on his own home, had never been married and had no children. So we agreed to meet. His first suggestion was that we get together for dinner and go to a restaurant in Nassau County. Well I vetoed that idea right away. We both lived here in Suffolk County and I was not about to get in the car for a 45 minute ride with someone I had never met before. Plus, what if we did not get along? Then that left the 45 minute drive home. No way. So I suggested that we meet for brunch one Sunday at a local restaurant.
Seeing as though I had not been on the dating scene in a long time and had not met Mark in person, two of my dearest friends decided that they needed to chaperon my meeting. But Mark did not know this. So they arrived at the restaurant early and got a table before us. Because they were there first and there was a wait, they put my name down for a table. When they were getting seated they wanted to make sure they were able to see us, so they explained to their waiter what was happening. As I arrived and looked for a parking space, I drove down the block, passed in front of the restaurant and saw that they were sitting outside waiting for their table, but Mark was standing right in front of them. I parked the car around the corner, called and told them who he was and they moved their location. When I arrived Mark was a bit surprised when my name was called 5 minutes later for a table. But he was there before me? How was that possible? I quickly said that I had already been there before him and put my name down and then taken a walk while I was waiting. My friends were already seated inside.
So there we are, seated at the table and trying to find things to talk about. At this point I barely remember our conversation. What I remember most is that I never took off my sweater and I could not wait to get out of there. I remember that he said “um” after almost everything. The one topic that has stayed with me this entire time was that he asked me about skiing. Now I have never skied. I will admit that I am not the most athletic person and my coordination is not the best. So I have always felt that staying off the ski slopes was in my best interest if I wanted to stay in one piece. But that does not mean I cannot date someone who skis. My boyfriend in high school did and he went without me. There was no problem with that. What really turned me off was when Mark talked about belonging to a ski club. I thought to myself….are we back in high school? I thought we were in our thirties here. Did you just say “club?” He really lost me there, if he had not already completely lost me with the “ums.” Then he asked me what I had planned for the rest of the day and I told him that my friend and I were going shopping. He said, oh yes, I need to go to the supermarket. Alright, that is also shopping. But when a girl tells you that her and her girlfriend are going shopping, we are talking clothes, shoes, not the grocery store.
So when brunch was over and the waiter came back to the table, I was quick to point out how busy the restaurant was and we should let them have the table. He paid the bill and walked me to my car. He shook my hand, told me he had a nice time and then went on to his car. I got into mine and first called my one friend, no answer. Then I called the other, no answer. I thought to myself, some protection these two are. He could have mugged me here on the street and where are you two? A few minutes later they called me back and said that they had been finishing their breakfast. It was too good to leave! I met them behind the restaurant and they proceeded to tell me that they had told the waiter that they were watching us. The waiter had been reporting back to them on everything we ordered, that we were talking and he seemed very interested and that he paid the bill. I told them that I was completely bored and asked “Do I have to continue dating?”


So let me start by explaining that for almost the last two years I have been dating again, after almost 10 years. I've tried several online dating sites in that time and have not had much luck, although it seems that I am coming away with lots of stories. I have often joked when telling the stories that someday I might just write a book on how online dating websites turned me off from dating again. So, I've started to actually write those stories down. I've decided that as I write them, I might begin to share them here to get some feedback from friends and family. So here it goes, the start of what may become a book on dating in your mid to late 30's. If nothing else, I'll share some laughs with more people. You know what, life is too short and it is good to laugh. So enjoy!